Perfectly Imperfect

Let me start by saying that I know this blog may bring out support, or the trolls, and it's all good. I haven't posted in a while because I haven't really felt called to say anything. But today, when I looked in the mirror and saw a happy (makeup free) face, I was inspired.

I've lost 75 pounds in the last year, and people are beginning to notice. That's nice, most of the time and I'm happy enough about it to post photos of myself, sometimes. People have asked about how I did it, and I'm happy to share. People have noticed my body changing and that's ... interesting.  One benign comment has been niggling at me though - someone asked why I wore clothes that cover me up when it is so hot in the summer. "Why don't you wear sundresses? Why don't you wear sleeveless tops?" You know, I don't even do that when I'm Inside My House. But, yes, it gets to 100 degrees here so it's a fair question.

Here's the dealio - I lost a lot, a LOT of weight when I was 17 years old. It was drastic due to bariatric surgery. How drastic? I lost 40 lbs the first month.  😮 In 9 months I lost over 100 pounds. 😟 That's hard on a body, even a young body.  There were consequences, and there are consequences to this latest loss, even though it has been a slow and steady one.

My body is a testament to the life I've experienced. It shows stretch marks, it sports scars, moles, wrinkles. You know what? So does everyone else's body (except in cases where interventions have occurred, and no judgment there). Even still, I experience some discomfort with the condition of this vehicle I live in.

There's something I know, with 100% certainty about my body - if I show it to some people, they will be disgusted. How do I know? Because people have told me, repeatedly, throughout my life. When I was a kid I was teased and bullied. Fortunately I came up with quite a few good tactics to deflect, avoid, and deal with it, but it still happened. You know what else? I've had it happen as an adult. I've had people who adore and love me say things like, "but you have such a pretty face" or "you COULD be beautiful if...", or say in a sideways manner that they are better looking than I am. Out on fitness walks I've had trucks or cars (usually full of young men) pull over and shout things at me like "Whale", "Fatass", "Fu*kin Fat Bitch" etc. This didn't just embarrass me, it scared me for my life so if you're reading this and tempted to ever do this to someone, just don't. OK?  Sit with your disgust and consider it because I have ... not your disgust, but mine.  My disgust has kept me from wearing shorts when it was sweltering outside. My disgust has kept me out of swimming pools and off the beach. My disgust has kept me from taking a dance class, or yoga class, or belly dance class, traveling,  or myriad other things that seem fun. My disgust has kept me trying to find ways to be invisible.

Here's something sad - my body has done amazing things for me and I've not been very nice to it. I have said awful things about it, and sausage-cased it into body shapers and exercised it to the point of injury. Not kind, really. I'm better now, and my plan is gentle, but again some damage remains.

And then there are my arms. You've heard the term "bingo wings" ... well I've had them since I was eighteen years old. Imagine - never feeling OK when you're young to wear something sleeveless. Even when I was approaching 'thin', I would not have dared. Even when I lived in a town where 110+ degree summer days were not uncommon. Wow, what a lot of fun and life (not to mention comfort) I've denied myself.  I'm really working to get over that. So if you love me, be patient with me, it may take some time to unravel all of this. I know I'm more than my skin, and I know my worth is more than any beauty standard, I really do. But, I'm not sure those feelings are widely held in our culture. You will have to pardon me if it takes time to trust. And if we're strangers, maybe remember my story the next time you see a body that shows signs of some significant life events.

So here, ladies and gentlemen, is some proof. Here are the arms that have deflated, the arms that have held lovers and babies and pets. My arms that house skills and muscle and blood and bone and scars and life. And some of you will cringe, but that's OK. Learning to love Real is good for us.

The Great Dismantlng, or "Why Do I Really Want To Punch Someone?"

Have you ever seen one of those rock tumblers? You toss a bunch of jagged rocks with sand together in this centrifugal spinner. The friction of all the jagged rocks clanging together will, over time, knock the edges off to produce smooth beautifully polished stones.

This is the energy pulsing in the world right now, and I'm seeing the effects of this with everyone, including me.  Of course the news is filled with cultural/national friction, and we cannot escape that. The collective horror and sadness hurts our hearts.

What may be affecting us more, and perhaps unexpectedly, are the jabs from the rocks in our own garden, so to speak. The people closest to us have sharp edges. We have sharp edges.  Right now we are clanging together. It isn't pleasant a lot of the time and occasionally a spark or two will fly even in the most harmonious and enduring relationships. The tumbling action is causing scraping on all the rough spots, all the fears and anxieties we hold and haven't fully resolved are being battered and bruised. Some of the oldest and most core issues are screaming at this time. Whatever is deep ... financial fear, fear of being left, fear of being truly seen, fear of being disappointed, fear of the "others" -  it is all flaring.

This is part of the Great Dismantling.

The system, the program, the scaffolding that we have all built up that tells us how the world works, that tells us how we work, how and where we fit in the world and in the cosmos and in relationships is all crumbling and dissolving. We are all unsteady. Humans do not like feeling unsteady. Uncomfortable humans lash out trying to find a hand or a foot hold to steady us.

But know this as your annoyance rises - the people who can most help us bring about the change in the quickest way are the ones in our intimate circle. We have already let them in, we let them come close. There is no wall or filter. They have the biggest job to do and we are doing the same for them. 

This jangled, shifting energy is one we are all trying to learn to flow with right now. Be the willow, not the oak.  

Consider - a child doesn't take her first step and think, "OK, I've got this movement thing mastered. I know how this  works. I've made the right choices and now I'm going to just enjoy it." No, a child knows instinctively that things change, and looks forward to the next change, pushes for it, while not even knowing what it is. Children also learn quickly that there might not be one right choice. There might be many, or none at all.  But, we adults want to have some steadiness and peace. We want to know the right thing to do so that we can have safety, so that we have comfort. We forget that we are designed to grow. We forget that the moments when everything lines up perfectly are few and fleeting and yet life is beautiful all the same. We forget that all the prior moments have brought us Here. We forget that we cannot grow without shedding the old skin first. We forget that everyone else is uncomfortable too and they are acting up, acting out, throwing tantrums ... or worse. We forget to be kind and gentle and encouraging because we're all so very tired.

The old ways are failing, and your flailing won't change that. 
The explosions can destroy you. 
Or, they can polish you.
Your choice.

Tearing Off The Mask

I'm middle-aged woman. I've been married for 25 years. I have a handful of wonderful and true friends, and am blessed to be surrounded by a wider circle of upright and diverse individuals. I survived Catholic school. I am a fat woman, and I own it. My college degree is in women's studies with an emphasis on women of color. I have been a feminist since ... birth.  Astrologically I'm a Scorpio sun and Aries moon, and I've just come through Saturn in my sign. I am proud to be a Crone. Pick any one of those things and you will know that my popularity or likability is rather irrelevant. There is an incredible freedom afforded those who live long enough and choose to take advantage of it - the ability to use our voice, our words and to face our own crap.

A few years ago it became very clear to me, and to lots of people, that the world we live in and the systems we interact with are not quite what we believed. I credit Saturn the hard task master, and cell phone cameras, and social media. Seriously, unless you have truly been living in a cave (aka only watching 'reality' TV and the shopping channels) your face has been mashed right into the muck, so to speak. You can't get out of bed without hearing and seeing the ugly boils on the proverbial butt of our existence. Our very earth,  air and water are being spoiled by pollution, chemicals, fracking, etc. Institutions and their people have abused their authority and done unspeakable things - the church scandals, the institutionalized pedophilia, the militarization of our police, and all the inequitable treatment of our brothers and sisters who society treats as 'other'. Racism, sexism, ageism, demonizing the poor, brutalizing anyone who isn't recognized as a fully equal with those 'in charge' is happening all around us and try as we might to bury our head in the sand or distract ourselves with bills, work, parenting, or 'being spiritual', this is the reality of our world.

Does this piss you off?  I mean, you're a good person after all. It's not your fault the world is messed up. You didn't do it. And really you've worked hard too, and your life isn't a bed of roses and cupcakes either. Right? Can't people just get along and stop moaning about it all. After all, they don't know you, they don't know your life.

I had these same thoughts when I was in my college program. But, the thing is that I wanted to be hit full in the face with knowledge, so I chose the most challenging classes to take. I had one (long awaited) shot at college and I wanted to absorb as much as possible. Honestly, in retrospect, when I chose women's studies as a major I thought I knew a lot about feminism and felt I could approach the material from a dispassionate academic point of view and earn high marks. I didn't expect to be angered, challenged, and broken down. I didn't expect to have to examine my own preconceptions - I didn't even know I had any. I didn't realize how programmed I was by social convention, and how blinded I was to the truth of the actual daily experience being lived not just by strangers, but by people I loved. I had to admit a profound ignorance and be willing to face that shame. In short, I didn't expect to have my entire world-view dismantled and I didn't expect to be so profoundly heart-broken and shaken to the core. It didn't happen over night. The learning took years, and it is ongoing still, but I don't regret it for a single moment.

In the film "Cracking the Codes," Peggy McIntosh said, "(for) well-meaning people who have never thought about privileged systems ... teaching is very necessary to get them past blame, shame, guilt. They were born into circumstances they didn't invent. They were born into systems they didn't invent. The American myth of meritocracy is... that the unit of society is the Individual and whatever you end up with must be what you wanted and worked for and earned individually. (You've) been taught that. It's not true. Huge systems that one is born into will bear on what one can do with one's life, and how one will see. That's the part that has been missing from education. So these white women breaking up over their first experience of hearing about racism, they are basket cases partly because of their bad, bad education, and their inability to see systemically and it's not their fault."

It's not your fault, unless you are actively perpetuating mistreatment of others. But, once our eyes are open, it is our responsibility, yours and mine, to change the systems of inequity.  Honestly I wonder if this is why we don't want to see, don't want to know. I think it's why we get so angry. Once we know, we can't go back to ignorantly believing that everything is OK in our world, even if everything is OK in our own sphere.

People, we are at a fork in the road.  You can veer in one direction and keep your I'm A Good Person mask on firmly and tightly, and that is your right and for all I know, that may be your path. Or, you can opt to take the mask off.  Yes this is a Matrix moment. You have full control. You get to choose.  The one thing The Matrix got wrong ... removing the veil isn't as easy as swallowing a pill.  You don't slide the mask off, you Rip it off.  It will be painful. You will probably bleed, and you will most certainly cry, and it will make you profoundly and bone-crushingly tired.  But, you cannot get your wings unless you are willing to tear your way out of the cocoon.  And, while you are trying to decide, our planet, and our people ... all that you love ... is crying for you to wake up. Ascension and enlightenment in my world is not about OM'ing your way to bliss - it is about taking the hand of the one next to you, truly seeing them, truly loving and honoring them and yourself, and rising together. We ARE one, there is no Other, and if you've been looking to find your divine service - here you go.